News From the Hill

Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Although by many calendars today, February 2nd is Imbolc and for many that includes the olden goddess Bridget, in my local community and for many in Ireland February 1st is considered St Bridget’s day.

In one of my local towns – and even as I say that I realise it sounds strange however there are a few towns around here that feel like local towns to me now because of where I shop or go to night classes – now where was I? In Ballinamore, Co. Leitrim, there is a shrine to Bridget which is above the town and beside the graveyard. It is always well cared for and has candles lighting there regularly and sometimes little mementoes or even coins left there for special intention.

I would say that most people who spend reflective time there may be addressing their intentions towards St Bridget, for me there is simply Bridget and I love that connection between the older pagan type spirituality and the newer christian spirituality, that they can often exist side by side, chose which ever you wish.

Bridgets Day is still held as a pattern day in Ballinamore. A pattern day is a very old custom in Ireland and thankfully is respected still in many rural areas, when the local people gather and pray at a shrine or  holy-well or even at holy rocks. There is a pattern to the praying, a certain ritual to be followed whether it be walking sun-wise (clockwise) around the shrine for a set number of times reciting a certain prayer or group of prayers such as a rosary.

In Ballinamore the pattern includes walking around the shrine and through a small part of the graveyard – I need to ask more about this locally. Last year I took part and did what I saw others doing. There is a lovely feeling in taking part of an ancient outdoor ritual with people from the local community, even though I only knew a few faces.

I loved the fact that this pattern is considered such a regular part of life here. There were people young and old, walking alone as I was or with family, neighbours or friends. Some pray aloud, some pray quietly, moving their lips and many were simply reflective or praying to themselves, rosary beads swaying as they walked slowly and reverently in the footsteps of so many before them.

There were many cars parked at the roadside in which some people, many quite old and stiffened with age and life, had travelled to the shrine. Most local people had walked the distance from town as people had done in years gone past, for many the walk from town is part of the pattern and they pray as they walk. Even the younger ones who walked with friends were keeping a respectful atmosphere, chatting very quietly with each other. Others, like myself, had maybe travelled from the surrounding countryside to be there.

This year as I took a few moments of quiet at the shrine lighting a votive candle I noticed that there were a lot people setting off down the wee side road that runs alongside the graveyard after they had finished their rounds of the graveyard. They were all wearing wellies (rubber boots), some were carrying little empty water bottles and they were all keeping the silence of pray-full space with them.

Always up for an adventure, especially a spiritual adventure, I followed off down the road too. This was great fun and unexpected, to be heading off down a road I never walked before, not knowing where I was heading, how long it would take or even if I would get there as everyone else was obviously dressed for all sorts or terrain with their waterproof boots and big coats.

I was wearing bright summer sandals on my feet because I had only gone to town to post some packages and had forgotten that it was pattern day until I saw all the activity. I did notice that some of the people coming back the road were amused and dismayed in equal amounts by my choice of footwear. I, however, was gladdened to know that people were coming back! Now at least I knew that this was a “there and back” journey, not a tramp across endless terrain towards who knew what! I am exaggerating here a little, I think!

People nodded towards each other, and me, when they met on the road but other than that a silence pervaded which was very peaceful. After some time we turned off the road and into a field, however it looked to be fairly dry so I followed along.

I decided that if the going got very wet I could then decide to either turn back or get very wet feet, as it happened I didn’t have to make that decision because the ground, although very soft in places, had a well worn track and I was able to keep my socks dry.

We were some distance now from any roads and it was so lovely to be following along in quiet procession, just walking. I had no destination in mind because I had no idea where we going. It was obvious to me now that we were to eventually come to a well because of the empty bottles so many people were carrying and those coming back had full bottles, beyond that I was in blissful ignorance.

It was a beautiful day, cold and clear, with a slight threat of rain to the west. The fields were silent other than the occasional bird song and the sometimes tick of an electric fence hidden behind briers to one side of us as we walked.

Then I could see a turnstile in the hedge at the far end of the field that we were in and realised that was our destination. Leitrim farmers are not in the habit of erecting turnstiles in their hedgerows. Once through there I found myself in a little garden with a statue of St. Bridget and a path which I dutifully followed until I came to a well.

I decided that in honour of the triple goddess I would walk sun-wise three times around the well before drinking a beautiful mug-full of deliciously cold water from the well, using the mug placed there for that purpose. I stayed there for a wee while, drinking in the scene after drinking the water. There were lots of daffodil bulbs, bravely sticking out their first greenery, dotted around alongside the path, under the trees. It will be a lovely place to visit once the daffodils are in bloom.

The rain finally started to fall softly as I neared the graveyard on the return journey. There were still as many people heading towards the well and a fresh bundle of Bridget’s crosses was being left at the shrine by a local woman. The crosses are made locally and left at the shrine on Bridget’s day with a sign asking for donations which this year are going towards a hospice.

I got into my van and headed for home, passing many people still walking out from town, ready for their spirit adventure.

I spent the weekend with many friends, listening. We listened to each other as we shared part of our life story. We spoke in turn and did not interrupt each other, concentrating instead on listening.

Not the sort of listening where you are already composing your retort/reply/next question.

It was the sort of listening that was just that – listening. We listened with our full attention, trying not to fidget or get distracted from the role of listener. It was a very active listening.

It is rare to have that sort of listening these days. It requires discipline and patience. It also requires the listener to put away their judgements and take out their compassion. It humbles the listener to hear a friend share fully their joy and their pain, their mistakes and their learning, their tears and their laughter.

I feel very lucky to have such friends and my heart is full…

I have been working really hard to practise some detachment.

They say that practise makes perfect – I have yet to find out!

I am trying to separate people from their actions.

When I see a child misbehave I find it easy to to know that I don’t see a bad child,  I see a child whose behaviour is not very good.

When I experience an adult whose behaviour is not very good I don’t find it so easy to differentiate their behaviour from them. I don’t find it so easy to know that there is a person who is behaving in a selfish way, I tend to think there is a selfish person.

It’s a struggle for me at the moment.

I am trying to look at the bright side which is that I do know there is a struggle. At least this acknowledges that I am aware of the difference.

At an intellectual level I do know that the person is not their behaviour,  I just struggle with knowing it at a heart level right now.

Help is a wonderful thing, especially help from friends.

Asking for help is easier for some people than others and does not always come naturally. I had to learn how to ask for help, it was a hard lesson and one that I am glad I learnt.

It has certainly made my life easier to be able to ask for help and to be able to graciously receive it – the two do not always go hand in hand!

Now I also need to know when to say no to help.

We have been getting offers of help in building our house. We have also been advised by people that have already been down a similar road that it is not always  helpful to have help – perhaps I had better explain that one!

There are times when you are building with help that you may spend more time teaching the helpers/volunteers than you actually spend working.

It is important when you are working on a project that is new to you that you take the time to learn how to do it properly yourself before you can safely or easily instruct someone else in what to do. Perhaps you are working by instinct or feeling your way, which is fine when you are working by yourself but not easy when someone is watching over your shoulder to see what you are doing!

It may be that it is easier to do a particular job yourself rather than train a volunteer, especially if that volunteer is not there all the time or may even be a different person each week!

Sometimes you may have someone there to help and you don’t have any jobs for them so you can feel under pressure to find something interesting for them to do. You can feel that they have come all this way to help you and the least you can do is create some work for them. This may result in you not concentrating on the task at hand or worse – rushing a job which needs careful consideration.

You also need to match the job to the person, this takes time. If you know the person well it is much easier because you may have a feeling for what would suit them, what they are capable of making decisions about without always asking or checking that what they are doing is ok.

People have different natural skill sets, things that they have  a natural flair for and are comfortable and confident doing and it is important to try and match these skills to the job.

We can easily underestimate the simple things that one can do to be helpful. We had a friend visiting with us last week who really wanted to help and also to learn what she could about we are doing so that when she finds some land and the time comes for her to build her own place she will have a sense of confidence about the possibilities.

She did very simple things for us. Each morning she washed up all the dishes and pots from the previous night’s dinner. This might seem like a small thing but it was so much appreciated. It meant that after dinner we could all just socialise and hang out, play music or dominoes or watch a movie.

She came grocery shopping with me and organised big salads every lunch-time  and then cooked up a great big lamb curry that lasted for two evenings with the simple addition of a side dish of potatoes the first night and rice the second so that we didn’t have to think too much about food.

She understood that we were having problems working out some aspects of  setting out (squaring up) the frame for the building and left us to it, we needed the space to be cranky!

However, I have to say that her decision to organise the outdoor bath was the coup de grace! It meant that firstly she wasn’t hanging around waiting for something to do and secondly it was one of those things that I had often thought about and not gotten around to so I was really delighted that it was happening! It also meant that we were not feeling guilty about not having an interesting building job for her to do!

So the things we have learn are to say no to help if we are not ready to use it. If someone is really enthusiastic about coming and we don’t have anything for them to do we need to make sure that they are capable of working by themselves on non-building related things and if not then they will have to put off their visit for another time.

We need to be organised about having help.

It is really important that we have a list of jobs to do for people with different skill sets.

If something needs to be taught then it is better to teach it someone who will be a regular volunteer rather than teach it over and over again to once-off visitors.

If people really want to come just to learn then we need to barter something in return – food brought and meals cooked or second hand useful building materials as an example. It needs to be acknowledged that we will loose a good deal of time in teaching so I think that we really need to look after ourselves in this regard.

It is also important to look after our helpers by ensuring that all on site eat well and have fun, we would like the house to have happy builders who enjoy hanging out, helping and learning from each other. We also expect that we will  learn from those who come to help us.

Let’s not forget we need to have some energy left to play music and tell stories!

We do not just expect people to help without return, we are more than happy to barter for help given. If someone is prepared to give us a lot of work-time then we will return that favour after the house is built by helping when they are building themselves or by doing something that they need like assisting them to set up their own renewable energy system for example or helping with web design.

Help is wonderful, especially from people you want to hang out with, it’s just not as simple as it first seems…